Kids are often a centerpiece of life, of discussions in community circles, and particularly in core life stages in your 30’s and 40s. I chose not follow this norm.

Deep within me I knew I didn’t want to have kids. This was a conscious decision. There may have been a time in my life I thought I did. I do remember playing that fortune paper game growing up that one of the questions was how many kids do you want and I would write down 2. But something shifted in me in my late twenties.

I didn’t make this decision overnight. Over time, it started to feel more like society wanted me to have kids not that I wanted to. So being an analytical person, I didn’t just leave this to my heart or gut. I did research. I talked to friends with kids. I talked to friends without kids. I talked to my parents. I talked to my parents friends without kids. It was so interesting to hear all the different perspectives. But there were a couple that were the loudest for me. One woman (the ex-wife of a friend of my dad’s) in her 60’s at the time, who said she never regretted not having kids and that…

“Life is about moving through and making sure you don’t look back on your life later with big regrets.”

At this stage in her life when she would have thought would have been the time a regret like that would have presented itself, it did not. And one parent (a former boss of mine) who said he loves his kids and has loved being a dad, told me he could have totally seen it as a “take or leave it scenario”, and would have enjoyed life just as much without. That was a big validating statement.

For me, my decision not to have a family felt more and more right. When I’d ask myself if I wanted kids and the only reasons that would lean me towards a yes were either curiosity of going through pregnancy as an interesting experience or curiosity of what a child with my wasband (my preferred term to ex-husband) would look like, I knew these were not enough of a reason. That’s just ego talking. The more people questioned my decision not to bear children, the more I had to explain it, but I didn’t waiver and stood in my truth. I remember very distinctly the conversation with my wasband on our third date and me sharing how I did not want kids. It was a critical moment. For him to decide should we move forward in this courtship or was this not the journey he wanted to be on. He chose to lean into the non-parent life. I was elated because I did think it was rare to find this incredible man, who also could share the dream of this free lifestyle I desired. Before we got married I asked again, to gut check. His response was that he could “lean more towards yes than no, but that he’s love to get a dog together to expand the nucleus of our family.” And that we did, and became fur baby parents to our adorably charismatic corgi.

I should probably also share that I didn’t have a desire to get married. Not that I didn’t want and believe in a life soul partnership, I just don’t believe the ceremony of marriage defines that. But it was important to him, and so in my choice not to have kids, which if I’m being honest with myself I knew deep down he would have preferred that path, I chose to say yes to marriage to honor this desire of his. Because sometimes it is worth making the choice to do something for the person you care about.

While our marriage did not go the distance, I have not regretted either of these decisions. I am grateful for the experience of being married to my wasband, and for the love that we got to feel, and for all that we experienced and learned from each other. The decision to have kids is deeply personal. It should be made with care, intention and love. One must really be attune to and honor their intuition. And for this decision, I believe that one should never sacrifice what they feel for someone else.

I respect all of my dear friends and loved ones who have chosen to be parents, and the energy and commitment they put into it everyday. I am grateful that my brother and sister-in-law chose this path, and that I am able to connect and adore my nieces and nephew.

I know not having children does allow what I deeply desired in life: more flexibility, more personal freedom, more ability to travel freely whenever and wherever to experience spontaneous adventure and play. All things that bring me great joy. I also know it is not selfish. It is just the right decision for me and that I also want to, and will have impact on other people’s lives that don’t need to be my own flesh and blood. Having a child is not the only way I can be in service to others. And I will continue doing that in small ways of connection with loved ones, one person at a time. And I will now seek even bigger ways to make impact in this world as I start to climb my second mountain. I am excited about this next phase and am on a mission to help people deepen relationships by igniting more meaningful conversations to live a more joyful, connected life. And so the journey continues…